Thursday, February 25, 2010

I Need Some Advice

Back in October of 2008 I finally found my words and wrote a letter to Noah's donor family. While I respected their privacy and feelings and knew I may not hear from them, I have to admit that I hoped that I would.

It's been over a year now and I have never received any correspondance from them. That's okay though. I came close enough to losing a child (and have lost those who I loved very deeply) to understand that it just might be too much. But now, I find myself wanting to reach out to them again. Not only to express my grief for their loss and my gratitude for their gift but also to show them how happy Noah is. How much he enjoys life... the life he has because of their selfless gift.

But I am torn. I don't want to push it on them if they aren't ready. I don't want to cause them more pain.

What should I do? Do you think it would be okay to send another letter or should I wait and see if, in time, they try to contact us? I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.




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With Much Love, Crystal at 9:09 PM

9 Shared the Love:

  1. I feel so inadequate giving you advice on this, because I don't have personal experience with it. So, take what I say with a grain of salt.
    I think you may want to wait more time. Losing my pregnancy was devestating, but to lose a baby that you got to see and hold and touch...I can't imagine. It may still be too soon for them.
    In addition, it's possible (while I have no doubt that these are VERY wonderful people) that they harbor a bit of resentment and don't want to know how well Noah is doing...when their baby isn't doing these things.
    Again, I don't know what I'm talking about...just trying to imagine myself in their shoes. Shoes I hope I never, ever have to wear.
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  2. I honestly don't know, I think maybe I agree with the first comment. Maybe God is speaking to you to Pray for them, which I am sure you do. That would be a hard decision. I will pray for God to direct you.

    Rhonda ~

    Love ya..
    ReplyDelete
  3. Having been through a similar thing myself with my little man, ok so my little man didn't receive complete organs like your little man, but the parts inside my little mans heart come from a donor heart too. I can fully understand where you are coming from and why you would want to get in touch, but I feel the fact they did not reply to your first letter is a sign they are not ready to face this just yet. I think I would leave well alone and let them make the next move as and when they are ready to do so.
    ReplyDelete
  4. You could always write them a letter and not send it yet. That way if they do make contact you can send a letter or two that you wrote at different times expressing how you felt then. Also if you feel strongly to send something you could do that too. Did you include this blog address in the first letter? If so maybe they are checking on Noah but aren't ready to talk yet. I will pray for you too that you can know the best thing to do!

    Hugs & Prayers,
    Christina
    Jacob's Momma
    ReplyDelete
  5. I understand all of those thoughts and feelings. If it were me, I would still write a letter but keep it simple and just let them know that they are stil always in your thoughts. Send the letter through Donor Services because they will contact the family and only send it on to them IF they want it. That way they still have a choice. Also you may want to call Donor Services and see if they accepted the last letter you wrote. I am not sure if you know anything about them, but I talked with one family that had a tough time communicating with their family because there was a language barrier and letters had to be translated and so the family never wrote back. I hope that helps. I hope that one day things will change for you. Having the contact with our donor family has started to help heal me heart in ways thatI never knew it wouldand I hope that it has helped to heal theirs as well.
    ReplyDelete
  6. i'm writing this from my phone, so it may not make sense or be readable. Anyways, i'm with Leeann on this. I think that perhaps it's just too soon for them. I'm also with the others who wrote that you should write the letters now when you feel the need to and hang on to it until you feel the time is right (just like with the 1st letter). On the other hand, the language barrier could always be a possible hiccup, so I encourage you to contact donor services and find out I'd the first letter was ever received so you can more fully make the decision you feel best for another letter. Just remember how long it took you to get the letter written that you felt worthy to send. Perhaps they are in the same boat and are struggling to find the words. Ok, it's hard to express all i'm trying to say from my cell, but I know through prayer you'll do what is right! You always do!! Love ya!
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  7. writing them is a wonderful thing to do. Even if they do not respond, they appreciate it.
    I would write again with all your heartfelt emotions and tell them someday you hope you can meet them.
    They may just be at a loss for words.

    Noah is adorable.
    ReplyDelete
  8. This is a tough question to answer. I have been fortunate enough to have met my Donor family. Their pain and anguish in losing their only daughter (17) is very apparent. I cherish the day they contacted me, and also the day we met.
    My advice is to keep writing, annually. Not on the anniversary of transplant, I am firm believer this is their time to mourn as much as it is ours to celebrate. Write to them perhaps on Noahs birthday, and fill them in on the highlights since you last wrote. Suggest to them that at any stage if they feel ready to meet you, that you are willing to do so. For them meeting you will be much harder than the other way around. Meeting is an amazing time, full of the most incredible respect. Good Luck.
    Regards
    Stu.
    ReplyDelete
  9. I think it's very important to write an update to the donor family, even though you may never know what it will mean to them. If they do not want to make contact they still may be grateful to hear how well their gift has benefited your dear sweet son Noah. I agree, Noah's birthday is a good time to send an update each year. Best wishes to you and your family!
    Karol
    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jennafranks
    ReplyDelete

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