Dodged Another Bullet

Today, Noah and I went to Primary Children's Medical Center (the local Children's Hospital) so he could get an in-depth eye exam.

It's been one of those things that has always tickled a nerve for me. Being that he was so low on oxygen before transplant, on O2 therapy for a long while post-transplant, and all the hoopla surrounding his blood transfusion reaction (including the insanely high Blood Pressure), I was worried that his tendency to run into EVERYTHING was more than just toddler recklessness.

Luckily, he passed his dilated exam with flying colors. Because of a family history of Amblyopia, he does need to be seen again in a year, but I can totally deal with that.

The Doctor did ask me if he had ever needed to have an MRI of his brain before (no idea why he asked) and it got me to thinking...

I remembered that awful Heart Cath day when Dr. Pietra decided to take Noah in to check out the ectopy and found out his blood pressure was lethally high, even for an adult.

They rushed him downstairs for a brain scan, fully expecting to find a devastating bleed.

Talk about losing it... that was the day my sanity started cracking (and I'm just barely getting it back together again).

He dodged a bullet that time. No brain bleed and no significant rejection (although he was treated and the ectopy and blood pressure resolved). Now it would seem he has done it again. His hearing is great, his eyes are great, and every single person who sees him is shocked when they learn he had a heart transplant.

I am not saying this lightly. I know just how very different things could be. Every single day Noah is healthy is a blessing. Every test he passes, every medication he gets to avoid... it's all nothing short of amazing.

And while being kept awake hours on end, every single night to the "mamamamama" screams and then starting the day out every morning by 5 am playing dodge-ball while I'm trying to sleep in bed, is not on the top of my list of favorite things... it's still a million times better than any alternative.

You know, when I was pregnant with Noah, I used to wonder how my life was going to change. And this is going to sound horrible, but I wondered how it was going to be possible to love him as much as I already loved Lilly.

I looked back, now, and laugh at how much I didn't understand.